OK, so I was recently asked, "Drew, what is up with your high pants?" later I was asked, "Drew, if you had three wishes what would they be?" It got me thinking, "If I had three wishes what would they be?"

First off, I wish my penis made lightsaber sounds. How cool would chhhhhhhheewwwww sound whenever you got a hard on? I would also intimidate all other boners by wooshing mine from side to side eventually coquering all other boners! I also wish it could lightup like a lightsaber. If I had this power I would also need the ability to turn it off, if I was ever in a social setting where glowing boners were not tolerated.

Second wishes are always the hardest to think of. This one took me a while, but I finally determined that i would love to have a very skilled and strong cat to help me with my gardening. It would be great if this cat could pull a small cart also, but i'm not going to push my luck. The cat must look like a normal house cat so as not to attract suspicion when in public. The cat also needs digging skills for planting my numerous varieties of foliage.

Thirdly, I would request that my magical genie commit suicide.  I know it's morbid, but it is also freaking ironic.  For all you know-it-alls out there who say it's against genie policy to grant wishes pertaining to death or love, I say, "Fuck You."  If we are both agreeing that magic exists and a genie is going to grant me three wishes, all laws of reality are pretty much out the window at that point.  Wouldn't it be disgustingly funny to watch a genie have to kill himself againt his own will?  What a mean thing to do to someone who just got through granting you two wishes.  What can I say though?  I am a bitch.

Currently Listening B-Sides By Damien Rice Woman Like A Man see related

Last night I realized something that happens to everybody many times in life.  We all have the same reaction when it happens too.  It happens when we bend down to get something and on the way back up, we slam our head into a hard object.  FUCK!!!  Thats the reaction.  It doesn't matter how happy you were before, now you fucking want blood.  It doesn't go away either, not for while. 

It happened to me last night when I was taking a shower.  There I was, butt naked, dancing my ass off while singing, "I AIN'T NO HOLLA BACK GIRL...I AIN'T NO HOLLA BACK GIRL..."  I was geting really into it and all the other guys in the bathroom were getting really into it and cheering me on.  It was like a movie.  A really sad, gay movie.  Just as I was heading into, "The shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S..." I accidentally kick my shampoo bottle in a fit of joy.  I go down to pick up the bottle and return it to its previously upright position and right when I lift back up...  DONG!! (followed by)....  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That shit fuckin kills!  I got so pissed off.  i don't know at what, but i just wanted everything to die.  I was like, "I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO DIE RIGHT NOW!!!" even retarded people..  I know.  What an asshole.  I was an asshole, but you can't blame me because everyone of you has been there.  I challenge you! to not get pissed next time you slam your big dumb head into a porcelain soap tray in the shower.  Its impossible not to.

This is only the beginning, guys.  

 It's just getting started. 

It's like when you first open that bag of skittles and you begin by eating the crappy one's first.  It's only going to get better as we knock out the crappy flavors.  Everyone hates the purples.  What is it with the god damn purples?  I don't care what candy you are eating.  The purples always taste like ass.  Some of you out there might argue that when eating Runts, the bananas taste the worst, but I say,"Fuck You"  the bananas are the best.  That is all Runts have going for them, the bananas.  They taste like real bananas!  It's fucking amazing!  What the fuck are the pink things?  They taste like potpourri or something. Fuck you pink things!  You taste like I am eating a soapy strawberry!   Blah!... With a side of Blah!   

Everyone loves the reds.  Reds are the anti-purples.  Where purples always taste like ass, reds are like a cherry explosion in your mouth.  They are delicious!  It doesn't matter what candy you're eating, the reds are always popular with the folks.

We haven't gotten to the reds yet, but we are working there.

Sup guys.  This is my first entry and I want it to be a good one...

Man, that was a crappy intro...

A little too friendly.

Why do I need to place such standards on myself?

Fuck, the whole thing is crap... 

So much for introductions. enjoy.